Thursday, 24 January 2013

Ignore this

I really haven't been myself lately, you know when you just get those days where you're just feeling... Like blurgh, and all you wanna do is drive as if youre trying to get away from something just for 5 minutes.. But it doesnt help because you know that you have to face it or come back to it you know? You end up recklessly driving not caring if you were to crash. Maybe it's just me.
I have good and bad days, like everyone.. I'm normally a happy person! But today was a pretty bad day..  I'm in a band.. And i feel that everything is slowing down, we aren't booking much up.. Everything that is getting close falls through the last minute. We have the shittiest luck! We play as much as we can for as little as petrol money. I love playing. Literally love playing my drums to people i want to be able to play for the rest of my life! I have the funnest times being in a band! But then I have my parents, that are constantly moaning about my life, and how I'm depending on the band. And how I should get a better job and do the same thing as everyone else! I'm not relying on the band to make thousands of poundHs! I'm just thinking like.. What if? You don't know until you try! We do try our hardest.. I don't wanna give up because we have come so far! I don't want my parents to be overly supportive. Just let me do it. I know they only want me to do well in life but to be sooo negative about it just annoys me!
Another thing that makes me sad is I hate how I look! I never feel good enough! I have such a pretty girlfriend, she doesn't even know it! I like the challenge of trying to show her she is. I don't deserve her. I feel like a peice of shit next to her, I feel like a letdown and she could do so much better! How is anyone supposed to like me when I don't like myself! I hate this feeling!
 I'm so paranoid what people say or think of me and my appearance! If someone says something I joke at the time and then think about it for like days after! I remember as a kid, must have been about 6.. Someone said something to another kid about how his ears had wax in. That was it... Everyday I have to clean my ears, OCD about it! I just don't feel happy in my own skin, there's nothing I can do! If I saw me walking down the street I'd prob chunder!!
This was pretty deep, its what you get when you don't sleep! I only come here to get things off my chest, it does make me feel better!
Goodnight x

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