Tuesday, 12 February 2013




I never know how to start these. I always seem to write them late at night! Im currently laying in bed, on my own feeling pretty damn cold!!
I had a lovely perfect night last Friday! Me and my beautiful Essie went for a Chinese.. I've never been a lover of Chinese food, but I know it's her favourite. I wanted to treat her as she does so much for me! It was lovely, surprisingly good :D (new Chinese lover).. After our meal we went for a drive. We drove to the marina, which is where we had our first kiss. We sat on the edge with our feet in the water looking across at the boats. We sat there talking about everything, having a laugh. Talking to the ducks and looking into the sky :) as we left she pulls me towards her. It was the same spot about 3months ago where we kissed. We kissed again, but it wasn't a normal kiss.. It was built up through the whole night, and when we did it felt like it was for the first time again :) it was such a perfect night :)) she makes me so happyyyy
You can never know what another person is thinking.. I am always comparing myself to her ex's or people she was seeing before me. Maybe I'm not as good as them, am I jealous? I don't know! I read stuff about how she misses certain things.. What if I miss her more than she misses me!
Right now though I wouldn't change a thing :)
I had a dream the other night about my nan, which made me miss her.I miss my nan.. She was fucking rad! She died a couple years ago. She was scared of making a fuss and would never see the doctor. It was horrible to see someone who you grew up knowing, wanting to see all the time slowly die. She was the kindest nicest person ever (but then everyone says that right?) she would always go out of her way to do something for someone. I would go up and see her, or do something like paint the fence or something like that and before I'd go she would always try and give me money to 'get something nice with', and when she did I'd always leave it somewhere in her house because I could never except it aha :) before I'd go she would be a typical nan "do you want an ice cream before you go?" "no thank you nan" "ok I'll get you two....... And here's a coke" ahah she gave to about 12 charities! And was always leaving some of her food for the animals she feed. The birds, the squirrels, the horses, the dogs, the fox's.. She used to let me and my brother stay up till one in the morning so we could go see the fox that came to her everynight! I used to love it as a kid!
My band played three dates, the I.o.w butserfest in petersfeild and Guildford the day after.. The I.o.w show was so rad, didn't get the ferry back in time because Callum wanted chicken! So we left at 4 in the morning and we were on stage at 12pm the next day... We played the show which was so fun, it was a long day... I get to my car and I look at a message from my mum saying I didn't want to ruin your day but we are at the hospital.. I drove back in silence thinking about everything, I had two of my friends with me, and they didnt know. I dropped them off, and drove like crazy to the hospital.. I met my mum, we then walked through the hospital corridors until I see my dad sitting around a bed, my brother and grandad were there. As I looked at my nan struggling with every breath I just broke down.. I didn't care who was around me, I just broke down crying. I ran out to the corridor where my mum came and sat with me. We talked about everything. She told me to be brave and go and say my last goodbye to her as she might not make it through the night. I wanted to be there by her side. It got later and later in the morning.. I had such a long day. I went back to my car and cried myself to sleep on the back seats.. My brother came out and said we should go home. There was nothing anyone could do!.. The next thing I know is I wake up and my dad said, she's gone and as he goes to walk out of my bedroom he starts to cry, he didn't want anyone to see, he didn't want to make my grandad feel any worse so before walking out of my room he wiped his tears and hid his emotion. I didnt know what to do! My nan! Id never get to see her again! I still had to play a show in the evening, I wanted to cancel.. But my mum said I should and it would help with taking my mind off it. I played the show thinking about her, trying not to cry too much on stage. I miss her.... I dreamt about her the other night and woke up in my own tears. Weirdest experience of my life!!
We all have someone we miss. 
 You can shed tears that she is gone, 
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

<3

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